Friday 15 April 2016

Let me start by saying this was a hilarious post to write and I'm surprised everyone trusted me with these stories! As always, one of mine is thrown in there somewhere - hint it's number 4. We've all done some pretty weird shit in our youth, funnily enough this post was meant to be weird stories in general but the majority ended up being stalker/ex partner related. Enough blurb - enjoy!

1. I catfished two boys who were best friends and they fell in love with me

"I must have been around 16 back when MSN messenger was around, me and my friend had a crush on these two guys but they were popular and we didn't stand a chance. So we created a fake msn profile and started talking to them both, this went on for about a month and a half before they both fell in love with "her" and Boy A even wanted to move over to be with "her". Turns out he had a lot more issues than his "popularity" status portrayed - I couldn't look at any of them in the eye when I saw them around especially since Boy B had sent me some very saucy photos."

2. I created a voodoo doll of my ex 

"Well not a real voodoo doll, my grandma taught me this old tale about putting pins all over a picture of someone you want to get over and then hiding it somewhere safe. It's also meant to make them think about you all the time, it must have worked one way or the other because I don't care about his lame ass anymore" 

3. The bus ride that turned into a stalker spree

"Me and my friend were like what 14/15 and we decided to have a bus ride all around our town when we were bored one weekend. Then we were like oh lets go to -insert estate here- and find out where Sophie* lives (this girl we both fancied), I knew more or less where it was but not the house and we were walking up the hill and we spotted her bike so we were like it's thereeee that's her house then like 5/6 years later I actually went to her house, only to realise it wasn't even the one we thought it was."

4.  My one way holiday fling 

"I was on holiday in Spain in this camping resort and there was this boy I'd see by the pool every day. His name was Jose Antonio (I knew this from hearing his friends call out to him) and I'd always sit on the edge with my sunglasses trying to look all sexy to get his attention. I soon found out that he worked at the kiosk in the resort because he always left the pool at 5pm and then I'd see him in the shop. So being the stalker that I was, every day at 5:30pm I'd stroll into the shop to see him, and once even plucked up the courage to ask him where the sunflower oil was. Sadly that's the only conversation we made in the space of a week. Looking back he looked like a horse and I will never understand the infatuation I had with him."

5. The very deep instagram stalk

"My boyfriend had just gone to university and as any girl would do, I stalked his female housemates on social media. Whilst going through one of the girls photos in Ibiza last summer and her prom photos, I accidentally liked one of them from back in 2014. So what did I do? I changed my name/photo/bio/privacy on Instagram and laid low for a while with my new identity."  

6. I waited in a bush 

"There were a lot of rumours that my boyfriend at the time was cheating on me - so when he said he couldn't come over because he was chilling with his friends, I went over to his house and hid behind a bush to see what he was really up to. After 20 minutes a girl showed up at the door and when he came out to greet her I ran to his door like a psycho and kicked him in the balls, no regrets." 

7. My nurse fantasy

"After a very serious incident in hospital in Durban – I began to develop a crush on a very cute nurse who worked in the ICU. We got on very well and she looked after me daily. When I went back to the hospital to get my stitches removed, I pretended I was quite nervous and I requested her to remove them saying that I trusted only her and waited nearly 2 hours for her to finish with her patient. I handed her a note when I left with my number and a short poem. She called me a day later telling me it was really cute and a first for her. We went out for drinks a week later. She is now a good friend. I also once dragged her into my uni room in a bag with wheels because people weren't allowed to stay over, so I technically smuggled her through security."

8. Stalking made easier by 192.com

"So I’ve recently been getting with this guy, don’t have him on facebook and the only way we communicate is via snapchat/whatsapp (this already limits my stalking abilities). Anyway, one day I was curious so I googled his name, found out some interesting facts and then came across the website 192.com (if any of my fellow stalkers want to give it a go you’ll be surprised at what you can find out). I now know who he lives with, how old they are, their names and his address. Oh and I also know his niece’s and nephew’s names and what his dogs are called. I feel like I already know my future husbands family, just hoping I don’t ever let slip about all this information I have gathered when I go on stalking mode!!!"

9. I summoned a demon to get revenge on my ex. 

"One time, after having a little bit too much weed, I tried to summon a demon in order to seek revenge on my former lover, who never really loved me at all. I remember searching relentlessly in the dark side of the web, looking for the appropriate pentagram and incantation. I found a demon whose job it was to seek revenge on badly behaved partners (Al-Habbrach?) I then grabbed some chalk, drew unit, lit up what remained of my 99p tea lights from Asda in my dark and dank university room. I then proceeded to chat to this demon for what felt like maybe 3 hours, listing off all the terrible things he had done, and how I wanted him to have a taste of his own medicine. Which apparently worked, as a year later his best friend slept with the love of his life, and the past 3 relationships he’s had all ended just before they were about to have sex and commit. So there's some life advice for you; if anyone ever pisses you off, just summon a demon and they’ll be cursed with bad luck forever."

10. The not so obvious groupie 

"I was following this small band around the country and would always know where they were staying, where they'd go out etc. I remember the first time I bumped into them in a bar I pretended I had no idea who they were so they'd take me seriously and want to chill. 3 minutes into the conversation my phone went off and my ringtone was playing one of their songs, my cover was blown."

11. Middle school crush

"I used to fancy this boy who was in the classroom next door to mine so every break time I would go stand at my classroom door on my own just so I could stare at him and after a while of doing that I started writing him letters to pass to him between classes all with the hope that he would eventually love me."

12. Valentine's Card from hell

"I must have been 11 and I had a crush on one of my best friends, sadly he started dating another good friend of mine who was in our friendship group. So I sent him an "anonymous" Valentine Card and put it in his post box saying how he should leave his girlfriend and that he should be with me. I even wrote it with my left hand so he couldn't notice my hand writing and it was very insulting to his girlfriend for the most part, but we were 11! A couple of years later he asked me about it and I blamed it on my friend who had the same first letter name as me and he believed me thankfully."

13. Romeo, Romeo 

"There was this boy I had a crush on who lived opposite me and his window was adjacent to mine, so most nights I'd just sit by my window waiting to see if I would see him look out his window or see what he was doing in his house. Once he caught me looking and I hid behind my curtain and I was scared to look out that window for like a month. It seemed a lot less creepier at the time."

14. Skipped school with my mum to track down my ex

"When my ex left me after 2 years I was hearing rumours he had left me for someone else and my mum got so angry that I skipped school that day for her to drive me all around town to find his bike and make sure he wasn't at this girls house!"

15. Victim of weird stalking

"There was this one chick who used to throw fireworks at my house all the time, so I'd come out and be like wtf and I'd just see a van driving away quickly and then she'd text me being like lol. I guess that was her way of professing her love for me."

♡ G ♡


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